Showdown in Midgar Gulch
by Adrastia
Summary: This is the first fanfic I've ever written. It's an FF7 fic in a sort of old west setting. Tifa is a druken outlaw seeking vengence against a certain spikey headed blode guy who she believes cheated her out of 12,000 gil. It's rather like a parody since c
1. Chapter 1

Showdown in Midgar Gulch  
  
Part One  
  
It was a hot, sunny day in Midgar Gulch. The air was thick with the smell of mako. Tifa had just rolled into town that very morning. She was mad. Real mad. Someone had wronged her. Had made her angrier than an Ifrit caught in a hailstorm.  
  
"That spikey haired little freak! I'm gonna take him to final heaven an' back! When I get through with him his own mama ain't gonna recognize him! Tifa said angrily, slamming her drink down on the bar.  
  
She had been at the Midgar Gulch's Golden Chocobo bar since ten A.M. It was near noon now and she had been drinking mako whiskey ever since she had arrived. The events of last night had been probably the worst experiences she had ever had, well the worst since that time she had lost 10,000 gil in that shady huge materia deal but that's another story. What had happened last night though had riled her up more than a level 4 chocobo hit with L4 suicide. She had been wronged right out of every cent she had by that no good spikey headed varmit with the ridiculess sword. Infact, had she not robbed that innocent looking sap with the pink dress that had been selling flowers by the roadside then she wouldn't even have had the money to pay for her drinks at the bar.  
  
"That varmit's gonna pay!" Tifa said between drinks as she thought back to the events that had left her in such a rage.  
  
It all happened at about seven P.M. Midgar standard time. Tifa was heading to the Chocobo track just like she did five times a week. Now anyone that accused her of being a habitual gambler was prone to get pounded to a pulp by the premium heart, so folks just tried not to talk behind her back about her little "problem". Of course she was also as addicted to mako spirits (and by spirits I mean booze) as the Shinra is to power and gil.  
  
Now at around 6:45 she walked on into the Gold Saucer to bet on the chocobo races. She was just about to check out the line-up when a finger tapped her shoulder.  
  
Turning around quickly, her premium heart shod fist ready (with deathblow materia equipped of course) she snapped, "Jus' whaddaya think yer doin' you mog turd! Huh? Answer me or I'll return ya' to the planet so fast ya' won't realize yer dead an' I sent ya' there fer centuries!".  
  
A short guy with blonde, spikey hair and a sword way too big for him spoke up,"Now wait a minute there darlin' I ain't tryin' nothin' on ya', I see ya' here alot and I thought maybe we could-"  
  
BOOM! Tifa punched him hard.  
  
"Darn deathblow didn't work this time! Dagnabbit! Oh well, Ya' learned yer lesson mog turd? Or do ya' want another round fer' the road? 'Cause I'm riled up an' a' ready to go! And I sure as hell ain't yer darlin, MOG TURD!"  
  
The blonde. spikey haired man used a hi-potion on himself and got up.  
  
"look" he said. "I'm sorry fer scarin' ya' dar- I mean ma'am. I just wanted to make a little deal. A deal that'll make us both alotta gil. Whaddaya say? How bout atleast listenin' Huh? How 'bout it?"  
  
Now Tifa is far from dumb but she was a bit drunk (actually she was plenty blitzed on mako Jack Daniels), and the words "alotta gil" were music to her ears.  
  
Alotta gil eh? Ok mog turd, let's hear it. But I ain'tgot all night so hurry it up!" Tifa snapped.  
  
"Ok, ok", the spikey hared man said. Here's the deal, in the fifth race there's gonna be a chocobo named Dario......"  
  
Yeah, yeah, I'm a listenin'! Now what's the point!" Tifa said impatiently. "I wanna get ta' bettin' and cease the talkin'! So what's the point! Ya' know mog turd, I'm prone to losin' my temper quicker than Kalm Fang in a mog trap so hurry it up!"  
  
"Ok! Jeez!" He said. "Keep your orthopedic underwear on girlie an' let me git to the point! Now this here Dario has been drugged up with a couple a' speed drinks. He'll run faster than the wind I tell ya! Faster than the wind! Now all's ya' gotta do is place all yer money on him finishin' first. I say bet that Teioh will be second 'cause that's most logical. Now I'll place my gil too an' we'll have more gil than we know what to do with! It's a sure fire win I tell ya'! Whaddaya say?"  
  
Now Tifa wanted to make a mint just as much as thenext person and she was totally blitzed. She gave thespikey haired man her gil, all 12,000 of it and the race began. At first it looked like her ship would come in but then Dario fell so far behind even the slowest chocobo in the race seemed lightyears ahead.  
  
The race finished with Teioh in first place and Nancy in second.  
  
Infuriated and ready to tear apart the spikey headed mog turd that convinced her to blow 12,000 gil on this venture she turned around and saw that he was gone.  
  
"Chickenin' out there mog turd?" she said, her face an angry red color.  
  
"Well I'll git you! I swear to the ancients you'll git yours jus' as soon as i find ya'! And believe me, I an't gonna stop searchin' til I do!"  
  
And that's how it all began........ 


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two  
  
So here she was, sitting in a bar in Midgar Gulch, getting quite drunk. She had heard that the spikey haired freakazoid had been headed this way and she intended to find him and make him pay.  
  
"Hey! bar keep! BAAAAAR keeeep!" Tifa yelled drunkenly. "I want another mako whiskey I do! And I want it now! C'mon!"  
  
A woman came out of the back with a tray balanced on each hand.  
  
"Please hold on there, be there in two shakes of a Vlakorados' tail!" the woman said hurridly, not even looking to see who was yelling.  
  
Tifa continued to make a ruckus. "Baaaaar keeeep! I'm getting mighty impatient here! Hurry it up! I need a drink dagnabbit!"  
  
" Ok ok! Hold yer britches on." the woman said, hurrying back to the bar. "No need to get yer orthopedic underjohns in a bunch!"  
  
"Why does everyone think I wear orthopedic underwear?!" Tifa thought. "Jus' 'cause someone looks as if they need a little extra support....."  
  
Tifa's thoughts were broken by the bar keep's ridiculessly polite voice.  
  
"Yes? May I assist you ma'am?"  
  
"Hell yeah!" Tifa yelled drunkenly. "Ya can start by gittin' me another mako whisky! That's what!"  
  
Tifa then impatiently slammed slammed 35 gil down on the bar and was almost immediately given her drink.  
  
The bartender, whose name was Shera didn't want any trouble around here. She was already a little suspicious of the dark haired man with the red cloak sitting in the back of the bar. He had ordered a mako sasparilla about three hours ago which he was yet to even take a sip of. He just sat there staring blankly down into the glass and needless to say it was really starting to creep Shera out. She wanted to tell him to leave but she was afraid of trouble. He looked very strange and his left hand wasn't a hand but a creepy, metal claw.  
  
And now, on top of that she had to deal with a drunken, vulgar, derelict with a dangerous looking glove on her right hand. This was just not her day.  
  
Tifa looked around the whole of the bar, she had been doing this every few minutes since she got here, thinking maybe the good for nothing mog turd cheat had slipped in without her noticing.  
  
Being a martial artist she was naturally observent but when she got blitzed she got a little hazy.  
  
Her eyes carefully scanned the bar, searching like a predator stalks it's prey. Her eyes stopped their wandering when they met with the dark figure seated in the shadowy back corner of the Golden Chocobo bar.  
  
"Who in tarnation is that! What a weirdo." she thought.  
  
Suddenly, the dark figure's face shot up and he stared directly at her with odd red eyes.  
  
Tifa immediately rose to her feet. "Hey you!" she said loudly. "What the hell you starin' at weirdo!"  
  
Shera winced. "Not another brawl!" she gasped to herself. "I don't want no trouble."  
  
Tifa walked over to the corner where the strange red cloaked man sat. She didn't like the look in his eyes.  
  
"What the hell you starin' at weirdo? Ain't yer mama ever teach ya' not to stare!" She yelled.  
  
He just looked at her and sipped his mako sasparilla for the first time since he ordered it three hours ago.  
  
Needless to say Shera was mighty surprised and quite scared.  
  
Tifa raised her fist and shook it at him.  
  
"I said, whatcha' starin at weirdo! Answer me or else!" she yelled, her face turning a shade of bright red.  
  
The mysterious man said nothing. He just continued to sip his drink.  
  
This ignorance angered Tifa immensely and she could take no more. She slammed her fist down on the table, cracking it and knocking over the mysterious man's drink.  
  
He then got up an said in an even, monotone voice, "Why did you do that? I did nothing to you....."  
  
As all of this was going down at the Golden Chocobo bar sherriff Cid Highwind had decided to mosey on over and get himself some mako tea. He left deputy Cait Sith in charge of the sherriff's office.  
  
As Cid came closer to the bar he heard a woman drunkenly yelling threats.  
  
"What the $%@# is goin' on in there?!" he said as he walked in.  
  
To his surprise he saw a very nicely stacked and very drunk woman screaming all kinds of threats and obscenities at a man with a red cloak. Turning to Shera he said, "What the jibjabbit %$@# holy *%$#@ ancients is goin' on here!?"  
  
Shera, her face pale aswered, "I rightly don't know Cid! This here girl comes in and starts drinkin' like a fish and goes over to that strange man who done gone and ordered a drink he doesn't touch fer three whole hours and now a brawl is fixin' to commence! i beg ya' to stop it! I ain't lookin' fer no trouble I ain't-  
  
Cid cut her off. "Stop yer &^*#@ yip yappin' and calm the $*@!#$% down Shera! I'll take care of it!"  
  
He then walked towards the back and said, "Ok now! What the ^@#$@&#! hell is goin' &$%@# on! I'm the sherriff in this here town and I don't want no %@#*% trouble!"  
  
Tifa spun around on her heels and looked him straight in the eye, nearly falling backwards from the affects of way too much mako liquer.  
  
"That there weirdo" Tifa said, pointing at the red cloaked man, "he was starin' at me a might funny! I don't like ta be stared at! I'm gonna fix him I am! Then I'm gonna fix that spikey haired mog turd!"  
  
"And how about you Mr.?" Cid asked the man in red.  
  
"I did nothing......." he answered.  
  
"You two ain't from around here! Why don't ya' both just %^#@ git! And save me the trouble of arrestin' y'all!" Cid said, his temper beginning to flare.  
  
"I ain't fixin' ta' git nowhere til I make sure that mog turd ain't here!" Tifa yelled. "So you can jus' shut up pig! I ain't a goin'! So you can go ta' hell! And take weirdo here with ya'!" Tifa yelled at the top of her lungs.  
  
No Cid, like most law enforcement personnel did not like being called a pig. He was boiling mad now and ready to explode.  
  
He then said, "Missy, I'm placin' ya' under arrest!"  
  
"What for!?" Tifa yelled, barely able to stand up straight.  
  
"For drunken vagrantism! And insultin' a sherriff! That's what!" Cid replied.  
  
"Well then, what about weirdo here?" Tifa said. "He was a starin' like a psycherpath! He was fixin' ta' start a fight! I swear!"  
  
Cid then turned to Shera. "Whose the real troublemaker Shera? Or is it both?"  
  
Shera then answered, still pale. "Well that there girl was the one that started yellin'. She was yellin' at me too! That there man in red seems a might strange ta' me but he didn't do anythin' really! It was her mostly!"  
  
"Well then." Cid said. "I'll take lil' miss loudmouth off ta' jail ta' cool down. This here guy can go i guess 'cause he ain't done nothin' yet. But you best not start anything or you'll be behind bars as well hear?"  
  
"Yes." The man in red replied.  
  
"Not the talkative one are ya'?" Said Cid. What's yer name? Jus' so I know."  
  
The man in red then looked up with strange red eyes that nearly startled Cid right out of his cowboy boots and replied subtley, "my name is Vincent Valentine....."  
  
"Well", Cid said, "Don't be no trouble and ya' won't cause none."  
  
Tifa was dragged to the town jail fighting all the way. "I'm gonna fry you up like bacon, pig!" Tifa said, getting ready to cast Fire3.  
  
Thinking qickly, Cid cast Silence on her.  
  
"Damn you pig!" she screamed.  
  
"Jeez...." Cid thought. I wish it worked to silence that #$@%& voice! Heh, if it did I'd use it on that dumbass Shera!"  
  
Cid was still grinning to himself over that thought when they reached the jail. He said a quick howdy to Cait Sith as he came in. Then he quickly pushed Tifa into a cell and locked it up ever quicker.  
  
"There now! Jus' dry up already! The sooner I git you outa my %$@&# town the better!"  
  
"I said I ain't leavin' til I find that mog turd bastard! I got wind he was comin' here!" Tifa yelled.  
  
Cid was perplexed as was Cait Sith. "Mog turd?" they said in unison.  
  
An unoticed figure in a clad in black was listening, his ear to the open window set in the back of the sherriff's office.  
  
"He's here?" The black caped man thought. "So she is after him as well...... perhaps I can use her...." 


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three  
  
"Ya' been cheated?" Cid asked.  
  
"Hell yeah! I sure have! Spikey haired freak took every red cent he did!" Tifa replied.  
  
"Well", said Cid, "Yer causin' a heap a' $&@#$& trouble and as soon as ya' sober up I want ya' outa this town, hear? Now I'm a goin' to the Golden Chocobo ta' git my $%#^@ mako tea. The deputy will watch ya, jus' incase ya' try anything. Although You'd be plenty foolish to try."  
  
And having said that he then walked out the door.  
  
Tifa looked at the the ridiculess form that was Cait Sith and said, "You are the weirdest lookin' varmit I ever did see? What in the hell are ya?"  
  
"I am a fortune telling machine." Cait Sith replied.  
  
"I don't care what he says, he still looks like a cat ridin' a mog ta' me!" A voice from the next cell said.  
  
Don't ya' ever shut up Yuffie! You've been here more times than I can count and yer always a loudmouth! Cait Sith yelled back. Now I know what I look like but I'm more than jus' that."  
  
Uh-huh, an' I'm president Shinra! Yuffie replied. Yer jus' a freaky lookin' weirdo!"  
  
Tifa started to laugh and Yuffie joined her.  
  
"Well then", Cait Said. I think I'll take me a nap in the back! I'm mighty tired. You too are quite a riot. I'm not that easily offended you know. I gots a sense of humor too.  
  
Cait then went into the back room and fell promptly asleep, leaving his charges to converse amongst themselves.  
  
The girl in the next cell then said, "I'm glad he's gone! He's been teasin' me 'bout my bad reputation all day! My name's Yuffie! Nice ta' meet ya'! What's yer name?"  
  
Tifa then said sourly, "If ya' must know it's Tifa....."  
  
So then Tifa..... Whatcha in fer?" asked Yuffie. "I'm in fer stealin' materia this time. I've been here about eight times before. The only reason sherriff Cid ain't hanged me is 'cause he only thinks that murderers should get hung! Well them an' those with the Shinra! Sherriff Cid don't like the Shinra one bit. Either do I."  
  
"If ya' must know, the sherriff says I was bein' a troublesome drunk. But that weirdo in red was starin' at me funny." tifa grumbled.  
  
"Well", Yuffie said, "Then you'll prob'ly be out as soon as ya' sober up, jus' like the sherriff said. Hey? What town ya' from? I'm from Wutai."  
  
"Nibelheim......" Tifa replied, quite annoyed with Yuffie already.  
  
"Nibelheim?" Yuffie said, "Ain't that on somewheres around Rocket town? Past the mountains? Sherriff Cid's from Rocket Town he is! Ya' ever been ta' rocket Town? Huh? They've got a big 'ole space contraption there an'-  
  
Tifa, having reached the zenith point of annoyence yelled, "Don't ya' ever shut up? Holy ancients! Give that yap a rest already!"  
  
"Hmmph!" Yuffie said, I was jus' tryin' ta' make converstation!"  
  
Well, keep quiet so I can figure me a way outa here!" Tifa said. "'Cause I got me a good fer nothin' cheat ta' track down!"  
  
Meanwhile, the darkly clad figure took his ear away from the window and brushing back a tendril of silvery hair though to himself, "So, she wishes to escape.... I can arrange that. She'll lead me right to him too.... I will wait for nightfall, then I'll free her. Finally, I will have my chance......" He then teleported away to make preparations for this evening. He would make sure that this time Cloud would not escape his wrath.  
  
Right about this time Cid was at the Golden Chocobo bar yelling about his tea.  
  
"What the $%@# kinda tea is this Shera? It's the worst %^@# tea I've ever had! Shera you are such a %@*@# dumbass!" He yelled, slaming his glass down on the bar. "Can't you even make decent ^$%@* cup of tea!!??"  
  
Now Shra was a bit shook up but by now she was used to the sherriff's vulgar sailor language and constant criticism about her tea making abillities. None of the other customers complained so it really got her gall that Cid was the only one to curse out her tea.  
  
Shera sighed and said, "Ok ok! keep them britches on an' I'll git ya' some more tea!"  
  
As Shera was getting more tea a thought crossed Cid's mind. "Maybe I'm a bit too hard on her. After all the tea wasn't that %@&# bad."  
  
He then said in his nicest, profanity free voice, "Hey Shera. whaddya say I make up fer all that yellin' by takin' ya' out on the town tonight? Jus' you an' me."  
  
Now this was music to Shera's ears. She had been waiting for this moment for years now.  
  
Her face turned red as she replied, "Oh Cid! I reckon I'm plum near more excited than a mog in a kupo tree! After all these years ya' finally asked me out! I'm a closin' early tonight I am!"  
  
"Well then", Cid said, "I'll pick ya' up at sundown."  
  
"I'll wear my sunday best!" Shera said as Cid left to go back to his office to tell the deputy he'd be absent for the night shift.  
  
Cloud sat on the bed of his small room at Midgar Gulch's Mog Tree hotel. If what he had saw from his window earlier was true, if his eyes weren't decieving him, then it was true and He was here. What if She was here to? What then?  
  
"I'm not afraid of them no how." Cloud said to himself. But inside he was a bit shook up. He thought maybe he should leave but his ego got the best of him.  
  
"I never walk away." He said. "Never."  
  
The hours passed by quickly and it was near sundown. Shera was getting ready to empty out the bar when she noticed that that scary looking man in red, Vincent as he called himself was still there. Still at the same table that was so viciously battered by that ragtag drunken trouble maker.  
  
"As the ancients are my witness she'll pay for that table!" Shera thought. She made her way through the bar telling everyone she was closing up early for personal matters. There were some complaits but no problems. But she saw that someone was still there. It was him. Vincent.  
  
"Excuse me........ ummm...... sir, I'm a' closin' up early an'-  
  
He broke in mid sentence. "I don't think that it is a good idea for you and the sherriff to go out tonight. He's in town ma'am. There will be trouble..... I've been waiting for him.  
  
Shera was both confused and annoyed. She'd had it up to here with this red eyed weirdo.  
  
"An' who's He? If I may ask?" she said, a touch of irratation in her voice.  
  
"Sephiroth........" Vincent replied as he got up and walked out the door. "You have been warned........"  
  
"What a carob nut he is!" Shera exclaimed as she locked up and went home to get ready for the date she had been waiting for all her life.  
  
Meanwhile Sephiroth was ready to take his plans into action. He had overheard the sherriff and the bar keep. Now he could take the drunken girl out of jail and proceed. He wasn't even considering that ridiculess deputy a threat. He knew his secret anyway and he could use that against him. Anyone that stood in Sephiroths way would feel the deep, sharp sting of the masamune cutting through them as they drew their last breath. Especially Cloud and that metal-clawed freak who had been tracking him.  
  
Cid came into the sherriff's office just about as happy as a white chocobo that was petted behind the ears.  
  
"Got me a date Cait!" he said as he came in.  
  
Tifa looked up sourly. "Cat freak's in the back. Asleep he is! Now let me out! I need me a drink!"  
  
Cid just laughed. "Ain't neither of ya' goin' anywhere. Only one here that's a' goin' anywhere is me! I got me a date!" Cid said rather proudly.  
  
Tifa threw her head back and laughed. "With yer' ugly mug? HA! I've seen behemoth's behinds that look better n' that! HAHAHA!"  
  
"Yer a mighty #^@&#@ lucky you's behind bars right now!"  
  
"Yippee fer us!" added Yuffie.  
  
"So...... ", Tifa asked. "Who's the unlucky lady stuck with yer ugly mug and lousy personality fer the night?"  
  
Ain't none of yer buisness!" Cid replied.  
  
"Prob'ly Shera!" Yuffie chimed in. "Everyone knows they got sparks between 'em."  
  
"We do not!" Cid almost yelled as he went in the back to tell the deputy he was going on a date.  
  
"Shera.......? She work at that ragscagly bar?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Yeah she does." Yuffie replied.  
  
"Well I got a bone to pick with her! I'll add her to my list along with mog turd and weirdo! Now that I think of it that Shera was the one that said I caused all the trouble! I'll git her too I will! Right after I git through with mog turd and weirdo!  
  
"Who are they?" Yuffie asked.  
  
"Jus' some folks that crossed me." Tifa replied. Ain't no one crosses Tifa Lockheart!"  
  
Sephiroth watched as Cid left the sherriff's office with a big, ridiculess smile on his face.  
  
"It's time." he thought. "Time..........."  
  
Meanwhile, Cloud lay restless in his hotel bed. He hadn't had a good rest in days and he just couldn't fight the sinking suspicion that both that gorgeous woman from the chocobo track, and his arch nemesis Sephiroth were both here waiting for him.  
  
Sephiroth peered into the window of Tifa's cell. Now that the sherriff was gone everything would fall into place. "That idiot deputy has fallen asleep in the back, well his catnaps will be the death of him." he thought as he crept up closer to the barred window.  
  
"You", he wispered. "I will free you."  
  
Tifa jumped, as did Yuffie who at the moment was reading a manga she had stolen from the general store.  
  
"What the-! Who's there? You teasin' me? I'm commencin' to gittin' hoppin' mad!" Tifa said in her smarmy voice.  
  
"Who's that?" Yuffie asked.  
  
"Some fool that's what!" Better not be that mog turd! Sephiroth was more than a bit annoyed but he went on. This drunken troublemaker would lead him right to Cloud. He knew it.  
  
"I have come to free you." he said. His voice smooth and honest. "I believe we are after the same person. Cloud Strife has wronged me too....... I want revenge. I'm breaking you out."  
  
"Jail break?!" Yuffie yelled. "I'm in!"  
  
Sephiroth scowled. This girl was annoying. "I'm afraid I don't need you." he said coldly.  
  
"What?! That ain't fair! I want out! I got places to go and things to steal! Lemme out!"  
  
"Now hold your chocobos there all of ya'!" Tifa said. "How's I know you can be trusted?" How can I be sure you ain't pullin' no tricks?"  
  
"You just have to trust me. Now please the sooner we get going the better." Sephiroth said in his most convincing voice.  
  
Tifa pondered this for a moment then said, "If I trust ya' will ya' buy me a bottle of mako Jack Daniels, 'cause I plan revenge much better when I'm plastered."  
  
"Ok, fine...... whatever you want. Just as long as I find Cloud." Sephiroth answered.  
  
"An what about me?" Yuffie whined. "I want out too ya' know!"  
  
"She might make a good pawn.... after all they are both but mere puppets anyway." Sephiroth thought.  
  
"Very well, you too."  
  
Cait Sith was catnapping in the back as usual. He had grown very lazy since he became a fortune telling machine. No one knew the "secret" and he inteneded to keep it that way. He used to be a handsome Shinra employee named Reeve. All the female employees were after him. He was a real stud in his opinion. But one day tragedy struck in the form of Scarlett. He had to break a date with her because of an emergency dentist appointment. His dentist happened to be a rather lovely lady and Scarlett got the notion that he had broke the date for some "special TLC" from the dentist when all he really was doing was getting a bonding repaired. Scarlett shot him with Sister Ray and all that was left of him were brains. Hojo implanted them into a robotic stuffed cat riding a mog and here he was. Living life in secret shame in Midgar Gulch of all places. He was dreaming of laying on the beach at Costa Del Sol, tanning himself while lovely ladies in bikinis oiled his back. All the while unaware that Sephiroth had taken the liberty to teleport in and free his jailbirds.  
  
"Open the cell already!" Tifa said in a loud wisper.  
  
"The keys must be with the deputy." Sephiroth said. "I will take care of it."  
  
He then opened the door to the deputy's office and looked around. The keys were on Cait's belt and Sephiroth lifted them off with ease.  
  
Cait Sith snored and mumbled, "Oh Leilani, that tickles! More oil on my back..... Zzzzzz....."  
  
Sephiroth was disgusted. He teleported back and quietly opened the cells.  
  
"Let us go now". he said. "Before the deputy wakes."  
  
They snuck out quietly and went to the secret hideout Sephiroth had prepared. It was an abandoned barn just outside of town.  
  
Ya' know," Tifa began, "All this here fuss to break me out and I don't even know yer name bleach head! Mine's Tifa! Now be square an' tell me yours! And don't go thinkin' I'll be sweet on ya' jus' 'cause ya' sprung me!"  
  
"My name is Sephiroth."  
  
That's a funny name if ya' ask me! A might familiar but funny jus' the same bleach head." Tifa replied.  
  
"My hair color is natural." Sephiroth said.  
  
"Yeah! And I'm a zemzelet's uncle!" Tifa laughed.  
  
Sephiroth just ignored this comment and turned to Yuffie. "And who are you?"  
  
"The name's Yuffie! I'm world famous fer stealin'! Yer kinda cute...... you single?"  
  
Sephiroth almost laughed. "I am a lone wolf. I need no one."  
  
Yuffie just blushed. "Shy huh? Heehee! I like that."  
  
Sephiroth ignored her and turned to Tifa. "Now, let us discuss the plan."  
  
Cait Sith awoke slowly from his most pleasant dream. It was time to check the prisoners anyway. He didn't want sherriff Cid on his case for not doing his job righly and promptly.  
  
He opened the door and was shocked by the sight of the open, empty cells.  
  
"What the-! I jail break? I only dozed off a minute....... Cid will have my head! Great! Now I gotta deal with this! I hate to ruin Cid's evenin' with his lady friend...... but I ain't got a choice!"  
  
Cait Sith then rushed out of the sherriff's office to find Cid. 


	4. Chapter 4

Part Four  
  
Suddenly, Tifa began banging her fist into the wall and yelling "Where's my mako Jack Daniels bleach head?! You said I'd get a bottle an' now I ain't got one do I? I WANT MY BOOZE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Sephiroth was getting irratated. He grabbed the bottle of alcohol he had purchased earlier from some strange traveling salesman who claimed to have gotten here by stepping though a door in his shop that led to another dimension. Sephiroth thought that the guy was sampling his wares just a little too frequently.  
  
"Here! Take it!" Sephiroth said as he shoved the bottle into her hands.  
  
Tifa practically tore the stopper of and started downing 95 proof mako laden Jack Daniels at speeds previously unknown to mankind. "Ah yeah! That hits the spot!"  
  
Yuffie sweatdropped and said, "Is it really a good idea to guzzle down that booze like that?"  
  
Tifa just glared at her and said, "Don' you learn me ta' drink an' I won' learn ya' how fast my fist can smash yer face!"  
  
Well excuuuse meeee!" Yuffie said.  
  
"These girls are giving me a headache........" Sephiroth thought as he rubbed his forehead. "But the drunken one is kind of hot........ if only she wasn't so vulgar and hostile........"  
  
Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by a loud belch.  
  
"Ah yeah! That's the stuff! Sure iz I tell ya'." Tifa said in a loud, drunken voice.  
  
"Ewwwwww!" Yuffie yelled. "Gross!"  
  
"Ya'll wan' a fight? Huh huh?" Tifa said, stumbling over the words in a drunken voice. "You a' lookin' fer trouble huh?"  
  
She put up her fists but was stopped by Sephiroth.  
  
"Get off'n me bleach headed fool!"  
  
"Stop please." Sephiroth said. We have work to do. Let's get too it."  
  
There was a knock at Cloud's hotel room door.  
  
"I hope that isn't that drunken barbarian......." He said as he walked to the door.  
  
"Please open up." A mysterious voice called. "I must warn you."  
  
"Warn me?" Cloud answered, already knowing what this must mean. He slowly opened the door, just enough to see the face of his unexpected guest.  
  
What he saw was a tall lean man in red, will long black hair and strange red eyes.  
  
"Please may I come in Cloud......."  
  
"How do you know my name?" Cloud asked. "We have met before. A long time ago....... I was a bit different then. I am Vincent Valentine."  
  
Cloud jumped. "Vincent!" he opened the door.  
  
"What happened to you?" He asked. Looking at the strange metal claw and the large, dangerous looking gun he carried.  
  
"I was experimented on by Hojo. All because I forgot his birthday. Boy is that guy touchy. But anyway, I've come to warn you Cloud. Sephiroth is here. He's looking for you. And it seems he's busted a girl out of jail that you had a scrap with in order use her as a means of getting to you quicker. It's best you leave. Now."  
  
"Why is he after me?" "You know why." Vincent answered. "I have my own buisness here right now. So I have to go. But remember. You have been warned. Get out before he finds you."  
  
And with that said, Vincent left without another word.  
  
"I'm not gonna run away" Cloud said to himself. "I'm gonna stand up to Sephiroth!"  
  
And with that said, he began to get ready for a showdown.  
  
Cid was having a fine dinner with Shera at the Lifestream cafe. It was one of the nicest places in this dump of a town.  
  
"Oh Cid." Shera said. "This is wonderfull"  
  
"Yes, it sure is Shera" Cid replied.  
  
He was just about to kiss her when Cait Sith burst through the door.  
  
"JAIL BREAK! JAIL BREAK!" He yelled. Causing the cafe's patrons to panic. "They're both gone! Gone! The drunk and the thief! When I woke up they was gone! And my keys too! We gotta get 'em sherriff!"  
  
Now cid's face turned a shade of red that was indescribable as he rose from his chair. "What!" He yelled. You incompetant ^%$@# stupid @#*^@$! I can't ^!@$&$$@#^*# believe this $&%%#! I'm sorry Shera, I gotta go an' try to round up the varmits. Although they're probably miles away by now. C'mon Cait, git your &$*@ ass in gear!" Cid yelled as he ran out of the bar. The deputy was gonna get a pay cut for this.  
  
"So bleach head," Tifa started. "When can we git this done! I'm growin' a might impatient I am! Hurry it up!"  
  
"We will wait until morning." Sephiroth said solemnly. "And please don't call me bleach head."  
  
"Why not, BLEACH HEAD!!!!!" Tifa was so drunk she couldn't even stand and she was becoming a real pain. Yuffie of couse had to start trouble by saying the dumbest thing she could possibly say.  
  
"Ya' know, you ain't 'xactly a very nice lady. You're a vulgar, nasty drunk with the temperment of a beserk Aps. An' I'm plumb sick of ya' I am!"  
  
Tifa's head turned slowly in Yuffie's direction with a look in her eyes that could make even a Weapon faint dead away.  
  
"What did you say?" She said slowly. "You 'sultin me you Shinobi wannabe? I'll tear ya' to pieces with my bare hands!!!!!!!!"  
  
And with that she darted up and tried to run, but she tripped over her own feet and fell flat on her face. Yuffie laughed and even Sephiroth managed a slight smirk. He felt a bit sorry for her in a way. She seemed so pathetic. And it was not like him to feel pity for anyone or anything.  
  
Tifa's face grew hot and red as she heard the laughter. She tried to cast Fire3 but nothing happened. This started even more laughter to flow from Yuffie's mouth.  
  
"Shoot! I fergot I'm silenced! Dagnabbit! I needs me an Echo Screen!"  
  
"Hahaha! This is heelarious!" Yuffie yelled.  
  
"This is ridiculess........." Sephiroth mumbled under his breath. "This will be a long night." He thought. "Very long."  
  
Cloud took his sword in hand and sat on the bed pondering his next move.  
  
"Stupid drunken wench........" He said. "The heck am I gonna do now? And Sephiroth.......bastard. He knows I'm here. He wants ta finish me off. Stupid momma's boy! I don't care what Vincent said. I'm settlin' this once an' fer all!"  
  
And with that he got up and left his room.  
  
Meanwhile, Cid was hopping mad. He went to his office and got the Venus Gospel, one of his most prized possesions.  
  
"I'll learn them to ruin my %#*&#@ date with my sweetheart......" Cid mumbled under his breath.  
  
"Shouldn't ya use yer gun?" Cait Sith asked.  
  
Cid just looed at him funny and proceeded to make his way out the door.  
  
"We'll start lookin' outside of town." Cid said. "They wouldn't dare hide out here. Fer some reason I don't think they are that far away. Now git yer ^#@& ass in gear an' let's get goin' Cait!"  
  
Tifa had fallen into a drunken slumber and was snoring like a buzzsaw.  
  
Sephirith was rubbing his forehead and grumbling to himself."Oh that infernal noise..........."  
  
"I'll rub your head!" Yuffie beamed, hearts in her eyes.  
  
"NO! That will not be necessary." Sephiroth replied in an irratated voice.  
  
"Aw c'mon!" Yuffie whined. "Here! I'll show ya' cutie!"  
  
She then started rubbing his head and giggling.  
  
Sephiroth was getting very mad.  
  
"Get off me you little tramp!" He yelled. "If you want to be useful then you can start by making her stop snoring! Now please...... leave me alone!"  
  
"Hmmph! Well fine! Be that way. Maybe you'll be in a better mood when yer head clears!" And with that she slinked away to go annoy Tifa.  
  
Meanwhile, Vincent sat alone by a dead tree in Midgar Gulch cemetary. He wouldn't seek out his enemy. He didn't have to. With the foolish way certain people were acting what he wanted would easily come to him. Easily.  
  
He took out his pocket watch to check the time. 8:35. "I will wait......." He said to himself quietly, leaning back against the tree. "I will......."  
  
Yuffie kept shoving Tifa, who was now drooling as well as snoring.  
  
"C'mon! Git up! Yer snorin's makin' Sephy-pie mad!"  
  
"Sephy-pie?" Sephiroth thought. What is that girl's problem anyway?"  
  
Tifa's eyes opened slowly. "What the-, quit it! What in tarnation's yer problem? Can't I git one bit a' shuteye 'round here without you ruinin' it!?"  
  
"But yer botherin' Sephy with yer snorin'! He told me ta' wake ya' up he did!" Yuffie said loudly  
  
"What? Damn bleach-headed fool! Wakin' me up! I needs my beauty rest!" Tifa yelled.  
  
Sephiroth just rolled his eyes. He hoped that all this nonsense was worth it. "Please don't call me Sephy." He said. "I don't like it. I don't like bleach head either. As I said before, my hair is naturally this color."  
  
"Yeah...... sure......." Tifa said. Anyway, what're we gonna do if someone finds us here? Huh? What then?"  
  
"No one shall find us before morning" Sephiroth said with subtle confidence. "If anyone comes near here they will be very sorry. I'll see to that."  
  
"Haha! Big tough guy!" Tifa said sarcastically.  
  
Sephiroth flashed a hostile look at her and said, "Trust me, intruders will be sorry they came here. Anyway, no one will come. Not tonight. There is going to be a storm. A bad one."  
  
"How do you know?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Clouds are moving in all we speak. A storm is brewing. I know these things." Sephiroth said.  
  
"Ok mr. weatherman!" Yuffie yelled. "It is gettin' a bit chilly......"  
  
"Well it will be over by morning." Sephiroth said solemnly. "It will."  
  
And sure enough, within ten minutes of that conversation the lightning and thunder began and the rain followed. It poured down in heavy sheets.  
  
Vincent took cover in an old shed. Cid and Cait Sith ran to the porch of old Mrs. Heideggar's house. She'd been dead three years and her son had a lucretive job at Shinra.  
  
Cloud stood in the doorway of the inn waiting for the rain to let up a bit. Meanwhile, Sephiroth was smiling to himself.  
  
"Stupid #&!@# rain!" Cid yelled. "Snuffed out my %*#@%^@# cigarette! Wasn't a cloud in the sky jus' a while ago! The sky was clear as ^$*@!#$ crystal! Where'd the rain come from?!"  
  
"Freak storm?" Cait answered in a bewildered voice.  
  
"Freak storm my ass!" Cid yelled though claps of thunder. "Somethin' jus' ain't right here Cait. Somethin' ain't %$@!& right!"  
  
Suddenly the storm became more violent and Cid and Cait had to force their way into the old and empty Heigegger residence. Once inside they were safe from the storm in the cobwebby old farmhouse.  
  
"Looks sturdy enough. I hope......" Cait Sith said quietly.  
  
"Well in any case, we are stuck here until it lets up. Doesn't look like that'll happen soon." Said Cid. "An' those dang varmits are gettin' away! But they can't get far in this storm Cait. We'll just go after 'em again once this infernal %^#$ storm let's the $&@! up!"  
  
Sephiroth was grinning slyly. He began to laugh. He had caused the storm himself. Those fools Tifa and Yuffie were too dumb to suspect it. He had used materia he had found in the north crater. Tempest it was called. It was very powerful indeed. The effect would last until sunrise. Cloud had wronged him by beating him in that fight. He remembered how it went.  
  
They used to be such good friends, he and Cloud. They were mercenaries who had quit Shinra. Everything was just fine until Cloud and him had a disagreement a long time ago concerning some valuable and powerful materia they had found.  
  
Cloud had wanted to sell it right away but Sephiroth deemed it's power higher than it's monetary value and wanted to use it for personal gain. He was willing to share all he gained with Cloud but no, Cloud refused and a fight resulted. Somehow cloud won and took off with the materia. He sold it and disappeared. But now, now Sephiroth would get him back. And get him back good. Infact, he just might get back all of Midgar Gulch even though they did him no wrong. Just for the hell of it.  
  
Morning came to Midgar Gulch and the rain stopped and the sky began to clear. Sephiroth got up and peeked out the doors of the barn.  
  
Smiling slyly, he said, "It's time." He then walked out into the morning sunshine.  
  
"Hey! Wait fer us!" Yuffie yelled as she shook Tifa awake.  
  
"Wha'....... Huh?" Tifa mumbled as Yuffie motioned her outside.  
  
"Sephy-pie says it's time ta' go!" She said.  
  
And with that they headed back to town.  
  
Cloud grabbed his sword and headed out. He was going to confront Sephiroth and settle this once and for all no matter what Vincent said. And if Tifa happened to be there then he'd have to settle things with her too.  
  
Cid grabbed the Venus Gospel and shook Cait Sith, who was sleeping."Get up Cait!" He yelled.  
  
"Ooooh....... Leilani........" Cait Sith mumbled, still asleep.  
  
Cid was getting mad. "Get the #@&$@ up and let's go! we got crim'nals ta' catch!"  
  
Cait snapped awake and rubbed his eyes. "Huh? Oh yeah! Sorry 'bout that Cid! Let's go! But....... where we goin'?"  
  
Cid scratched his head and lit a cigarette. "Don't rightly know. Maybe we better head back to town an' check in."  
  
"Why?" Cait asked. "Think yer sweetheart's worried 'bout you?"  
  
Cid's face turned all red. "No, it's not that! I -I"  
  
"Haha! I knew it!" Cait cried. "You love Shera!"  
  
"I do not!" Cid yelled. "Now let's $&!# go!"  
  
Cait Sith giggled as they headed back to town.  
  
said solemnly. "And please don't call me bleach head."  
  
"Why not, BLEACH HEAD!!!!!" Tifa was so drunk she couldn't even stand and she was becoming a real pain. Yuffie of couse had to start trouble by saying the dumbest thing she could possibly say.  
  
"Ya' know, you ain't 'xactly a very nice lady. You're a vulgar, nasty drunk with the temperment of a beserk Aps. An' I'm plumb sick of ya' I am!"  
  
Tifa's head turned slowly in Yuffie's direction with a look in her eyes that could make even a Weapon faint dead away.  
  
"What did you say?" She said slowly. "You 'sultin me you Shinobi wannabe? I'll tear ya' to pieces with my bare hands!!!!!!!!"  
  
And with that she darted up and tried to run, but she tripped over her own feet and fell flat on her face. Yuffie laughed and even Sephiroth managed a slight smirk. He felt a bit sorry for her in a way. She seemed so pathetic. And it was not like him to feel pity for anyone or anything.  
  
Tifa's face grew hot and red as she heard the laughter. She tried to cast Fire3 but nothing happened. This started even more laughter to flow from Yuffie's mouth.  
  
"Shoot! I fergot I'm silenced! Dagnabbit! I needs me an Echo Screen!"  
  
"Hahaha! This is heelarious!" Yuffie yelled.  
  
"This is ridiculess........." Sephiroth mumbled under his breath. "This will be a long night." He thought. "Very long."  
  
Cloud took his sword in hand and sat on the bed pondering his next move.  
  
"Stupid drunken wench........" He said. "The heck am I gonna do now? And Sephiroth.......bastard. He knows I'm here. He wants ta finish me off. Stupid momma's boy! I don't care what Vincent said. I'm settlin' this once an' fer all!"  
  
And with that he got up and left his room.  
  
Meanwhile, Cid was hopping mad. He went to his office and got the Venus Gospel, one of his most prized possesions.  
  
"I'll learn them to ruin my %#*&#@ date with my sweetheart......" Cid grumbled. 


	5. Chapter 5

Part five  
  
Sephiroth arrived in the town square with his party. "This will be so easy." He thought. "My little puppets will do all the work for me. And while they are busy squabbling I will destroy them all."  
  
still staggering a bit from her hangover.  
  
"Where are you mog turd?!" She yelled.  
  
"Right here....." A voice replied.  
  
Suddenly, Cloud stepped out from the hotel doorway, sword in hand. He and Sephiroth made short eye contact but neither acknowledged the other yet.  
  
"Aha! I knew it! There ya' are! Didn't think you'd have the guts ta' show up mog turd! Now I'm gonna pound you outta every gil ya' finangled outta me!" Tifa said confidently.  
  
"Look." Cloud said. "I didn't really cheat you ya' know. I didn't know that one speed drink wasn't enough ta' make that chocobo win the race. Yet you insist I cheated ya'."  
  
"Shut up mog turd! Time ta' dance!" Tifa then lunged foward.  
  
Cloud jumped out of the way and cast barrier.  
  
"So!" Tifa said. "Wanna play rough eh? Heheheh...... Fine by me mog turd!" She then tried to summon Ifrit but couldn't. She was still silenced. "$#@@! silence! Someone cast esuna or give me a damn echo screen!!!!!!!"  
  
Sephiroth just rolled his eyes and used an echo screen on her.  
  
"Heheh! Thanks bleach head!" Tifa yelled. She then summoned Ifrit again, this time it worked and inflicted enough damage to knock Cloud down. She then walked over to him and kicked him in the crotch.  
  
"AHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! Not little Cloud!" Cloud cried, unable to get up. "I can't feel little Cloud! He went numb! Nooooo!"  
  
Yuffie was laughing hysterically. She fell to the ground roaring with laughter. Even Sephiroth laughed.  
  
"Hahaha!!!!!! Poor lil' Cloud!" Tifa laughed, attacking him with the Premium Heart.  
  
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Cloud screamed.  
  
"This is the funniest most heelarious thing I ever did see!" Yuffie yelled as she grabbed Sephiroth's arm, which he pryed out of hers as quickly as he could.  
  
"I'm gonna pulverize ya'"! Tifa yelled.  
  
Vincent watched from behind a house. He had a bone to pick with Sephiroth. He wasn't exactly a bounty hunter, he was after sephiroth for his own reasons. He got no compensation. Sephiroth had done alot of bad things after he and Cloud had their falling out and Vincent had taken it upon himself to track him down and stop him. He would wait for the right time to come out from his hiding place. Now was not that time.  
  
"You %#$&@ mog turd!" Tifa yelled as she kicked Cloud. Yuffie began to dance around and kick and punch at the air. This made sephiroth just shake his head.  
  
"They are all imbeciles." He thought.  
  
Just then Caith Sith and Cid rushed to the scene. They had heard the commotion and hurried on.  
  
When they got there they saw Cloud being kicked and chastised by the drunken jailbreaker they were looking for. And the thieving ninja girl was there too.  
  
Tifa held down Cloud as she watched their approach. Sephiroth just stared at them, as did Yuffie who made a whispered coment about not wanting them to spoil all the fun.  
  
"Well lookie here!" Cid said. "Here they are! Jus' like chocobos in a stable! Cuff 'em Cait!"  
  
Cait Sith walked over with his handcuffs ready. Yuffie then stuck her foot out and tripped him, he fell flat on his face.  
  
Sephiroth smiled as he watched his little "marrionettes" in action.  
  
"Ow!" Cait cried as he hit the ground. "Ow ow ow!"  
  
Yuffie then grabbed Cait's gun and tossed it to Tifa.  
  
"Don't move or I'll blow this mog turd's brains out!" Tifa yelled. "I swear it! Best be droppin' that there gun sheriff!"  
  
Cid, not wanting to hurt any innocent people dropped his gun.  
  
"An' that pointy stick thingy too!" Tifa said.  
  
He dropped the Venus Gospel as well. "Shoot!" He thought. "What am I supposed ta' do now?!"  
  
Vincent was now standing against the wall of the pharmacy, behind a kupo tree. He could see the townsfolk peeking out of their windows and creeping onto their porches for a better look. Things were sure to get out of hand now. He couldn't let this go on. Stepping out of the shadows Vincent stood where he could be easily seen.  
  
"Sephiroth....." he said.  
  
Sephiroth turned around and stared daggers at him.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
Before Vincent could speak he was interrupted by an upset female voice followed by a very angry male voice.  
  
"That's him daddy! He's the one that knocked me up and left me an' the baby! He bleached his hair blonde but that's him alright! That's him! Same clothes, same sword! Git him daddy! he owes me a weddin'!"  
  
"No good dagnabbit bastard Soldier! You done gone knocked up my lil' girl! My sweet lil' Aeris! And ya' skipped town on her before the weddin'!"  
  
Cid shook his head. It was old man Gast, the nuttiest guy in town. He was some crackpot scientist that lived with his daughter at the edge of town. He was a real kupo nut if Cid ever saw one.  
  
"I have no idea what yer talkin' about!" Cloud said. "I swear!"  
  
"He's lyin' daddy!" Aeris cried. That's him alright!"  
  
Old man Gast held his shotgun aimed on Cloud. Yuffie danced around with the gun she had while Sephiroth smiled.  
  
"Puppets....." He thought. Puppets wallowing in chaos they are too stupid to control."  
  
Tifa started to laugh. "So mog turd, runnin' out on yer' girl eh?"  
  
She kicked him harder."You ain't no man! You're a mog turd!"  
  
"Ow!" Cloud screamed. "I swear, ow! I don't know what the mog is going on! I never saw that girl!"  
  
Aeris started to cry. "Daddy! do something!"  
  
"What you say his name was sweetie?" Gast asked.  
  
"It was Zack," Aeris asnswered. I'd know him anywhere! Even with a bad bleach job!"  
  
"Huh," Cloud said. Eyes full of surprise. "I'm not Zack! I'm Cloud!"  
  
Shut up you no good blasted varmit!" Gast yelled. "I'll shoot ya' all the way back to the planet!"  
  
"He is Cloud," A voice said. "Zack is dead."  
  
That voice was Vincent. he held his Death Penalty on old man Gast and the rest. "Please stop," he said. 'You are acting foolishly. Can't you see what Sephiroth is doin. to you?"  
  
"SHUT UP WEIRDO!" Tifa yelled, pointing her gun at Vincent as she held down Cloud.  
  
Yuffie held her weapon on Cid as she sat on Cait Sith.  
  
"You are all puppets to him," Vincent said. When he's finished he will do away with you all....."  
  
"Alls I care 'bout is my little girl and and grandbaby!" Gast said, breath reeking of mako gin.  
  
"Then get out of here before you are hurt by Sephiroth and his marrionettes," Vincent warned. "Hurry."  
  
"But my weddin'! Aeris whined. I want my weddin'!"  
  
I'm..... not... Zack!" Cloud shouted, short of breath from Tifa's death grip on him.  
  
"You liar!" Aeris cried! "Think jus' 'cause you gots Yer hair bleached you can hide from me?!"  
  
Sephiroth smiled. "Bit off more than you could chew Cloud? You know why I'm here don't you........"  
  
"That materia...... was..... too powerfull. What you kept corrupted you. And we needed the money."  
  
"I want the materia........" sephiroth said.  
  
Suddenly Yuffie's eyes widened. "Materia?!!!!"  
  
"Yes. Materia Yuffie," Sephiroth said. He took my materia. If you help me get it back then we can share it."  
  
Yuffie's eyes lit up. "Alrighty! Materia!"  
  
"It's a trick," Vincent warned. "Don't be his puppet....."  
  
But it was too late. Suddenly, all hell broke loose.  
  
People watched intently from windows as the chaos erupted.  
  
Yuffie hopped off Cait Sith and grabbed Cloud. "Where's the materia?!" she screamed.  
  
Cloud replied that he didn't know.  
  
Tifa told her to get off. "The mog turd's mine!" She yelled angrily. Pushing Yuffie aside. As the two were fighting Cloud tried to run.  
  
Yuffie quickly saw this and kicked Tifa in the shin, knocking her down. Yuffie then shot the fleeing Cloud in the posterior making him scream bloody murder and fall to his knees.  
  
Sephiroth grinned viciously and Gast started shooting wildly, taking out windows.  
  
Aeris was crying. "No daddy! Don't kill 'im! That's Zack Jr.'s father!" I want my weddin!"  
  
Tifa then tackled Yuffie and started hitting her. "You rotten little $%@*%#!" Tifa screamed. "I'll teach ya' to mess with me I will!"  
  
Cid helped Cait up and grabbed the Venus Gospel and held knocked the shotgun from Gast's hands with it.  
  
"You %#$@# crazy! What the %@#@^&#@ you tryin' to do!" Cid yelled. "Someone's gonna get %#*@# hurt!"  
  
And while all this chaos was ensuing Vincent, Death Penalty in hand stood before the grinning Sephiroth and said, "Get out of town. Midgar Gulch doesn't need this chaos."  
  
"Why should I listen to you?" Sephiroth insisted. "I'm not going to take orders from one of Hojo's failed experiments."  
  
"Look, just because I forgot the guy's birthday-"  
  
"Nevermind,"Sephiroth said. Look at the chaos. Puppets...... mere puppets too stupid to escape my control......."  
  
Vincent began to fight Sephiroth, firing his gun. Sephiroth blocked the shot easily.  
  
"Foolish........," Sephiroth said as he cast earth3. The whole area shook and buildings began to shake. Cait Sith fell over and grabbed the guns that Tifa and Yuffie dropped when they fell over as a result of the shaking. He held them on Cloud when he saw him crawling for Gast's shotgun.  
  
"Hold it!" Cait said.  
  
But as the earth shook it made Cloud fall on his wounded butt and he screamed louder than a little girl.  
  
"My butt! OW! OW OW!"  
  
Tifa and Yuffie were howling with laughter as Cloud yelled and grabbed his wounded derriere.  
  
Meanwhile, Cid and Cait Sith were trying to get control of the situation. It seemed futlie. Tifa and Yuffie had gone back to cat fighting and Aeris was still whining.  
  
The confrontation between Sephiroth and Vincent had gotten quite violent as well.  
  
"Leave peacefully!" Vincent said. Anger edging his voice.  
  
"And why?" Sephiroth answered. I have a score to settle. It's time I settled it."  
  
With that said he pushed Vincent violently aside with a forcefull blast and began walking towards Cloud.  
  
"What do you want?" Cloud asked.  
  
"Materia..... My materia......," Sephiroth replied. "Give it back."  
  
"But I sold it," Cloud said. "You know that."  
  
"You'll pay in some way." Sephiroth said. He then raised his Masamune. "I'll cut you in half twice for each materia orb you stole from me!"  
  
"Umm..... Don't get hasty." Cloud said. "Wouldn't you just rather me tell you who I sold them too?"  
  
Sephiroth contemplated for a moment. "Ok," he said. Tell me. Tell me where you sold it and maybe I will spare you, you worthless mog turd!"  
  
"Dear Planet I'm talking like Tifa!" Sephiroth thought suddenly. "I'm picking up her brutish dialect."  
  
"I better whisper it in your ear," Cloud said. I don't want anyone to hear. Especially that weird ninja girl."  
  
As Cloud moved closer to Sephiroth's ear he then suddenly tried to use Deathblow on him.  
  
Sephiroth's eyes widened as he grabbed Cloud by the collar.  
  
"Fool! I'm too strong for that!"  
  
Cloud then peed his pants causing Tifa and Yuffie to go into spastic fits of laughter. Aeris sighed then continued her whiney crying while old man Gast proclaimed that Cloud was not a real man if he still wet his didies.  
  
Sephiroth shaking his head dropped Cloud and then raised up a black orb to the sky.  
  
"Haha, he said. "Pay for your foolish actions with Meteor!"  
  
Suddenly the sky got darker and as the black materia started to glow a huge object could be seen in the sky.  
  
"OH my gawd!" Gast cried. "It's a UFO!!!!"  
  
"It's a meteor you &#*@# drunken old fart!" Cid yelled. "That's what the %#*$% hell Sephiroth just said it was!"  
  
"A mee-tee-or?!" Yuffie said. "COOL!"  
  
"No not cool at all. Infact very dangerous." Vincent said quietly.  
  
"Damn straight!" Tifa yelled. "Get rid of it bleach brain!" You'll kill us all!"  
  
Sephiroth laughed evily and exclaimed, "This is my long awaited revenge! I used you as a puppet Tifa..... haha! You were too drunk and weak minded to know what I was doing."  
  
"Haha! Sephy pie used you! Haha!" Yuffie laughed as she danced around.  
  
"I used you as one too ninja girl." Sephiroth said. "all of you infact were puppets of mine. What fools you were."  
  
"You are the fool. You'll kill yourself too." Vincent said.  
  
"No! I'll live because I am much stronger than you pathetic puppets!"  
  
I'm gonna die b'fore my weddin'!" Aeris screamed. Daddy do somethin'!"  
  
The sky grew darker as the meteor came closer.  
  
"It's so fast!" Cait screamed.  
  
"Ha! It's been enhanced by the power of mako!" Sephiroth said. "It's going to turn this one chocobo town into a pile of rubble!"  
  
"No. I won't let that happen at all. You ain't ruinin' my #%@&%#$ town!" Cid said. "I'll shove that black materia up you're %$#%&-  
  
Cid was interrupted by a deep thundering coming from below the ground.  
  
"What the hell...." he said.  
  
Townspeople were screaming everywhere and some even started to loot. The meteor was getting dangerously close and the closer it got the louder the rumbling.  
  
"We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!" Cait screamed.  
  
"Cid smacked him upside the head and yelled, "Pull yerself the %$^&@#$ together Cait! We gotta do somethin'!"  
  
But it was too late. The ground began to roll. literally make waves.  
  
Quakes were starting to break apart buildings and people were running for cover.  
  
"Holy hell!" Cid screamed. "This must be the %#&@$# Lifestream! Run!"  
  
"The hell we s'pposed ta do!" Gast screamed.  
  
Aeris screamed, "Daaaaady!" and started to cry and the ground shook and the sky reddened with the appoach of Meteor.  
  
"Like I #&*$@!#% said b'fore! RUN!" Cid yelled. The Lifestream's gonna blow!"  
  
Everyone ran as the Lifestream poured out of the cracks that were forming in the earth.  
  
Sephiroth just stood there. Laughing. Yuffie grabbed him and began to yell.  
  
"C'mon Sephy pie! We gotta git outa here!"  
  
"I am not leaving", Sephiroth stated. "This shall only serve to make me stronger."  
  
"Well I ain't leavin' ya!. I love you! Plus yer damn hot!" Yuffie yelled out over the chaos.  
  
Sephiroth kept trying to push her away as people ran past screaming.  
  
Cait Sith tripped over a rock and fell flat on his face. Cid trampled over him.  
  
"Sorry Cait!" He said. "I can't find Shera! I gotta go git her! You take care of everyone else!"  
  
Aeris started to scream and clung to Cloud.  
  
"I'm gonna die a'fore my weddin'! I jus' know it! Oh Zack! Hold meeee!"  
  
"Dammit!" Cloud said. "How many times I gotta tell you I ain't Zack! He's dead!"  
  
"If y'all jus' listen to me," Cait said as he got up. Sherriff left me in charge an-  
  
"SHUT UP!" Tifa yelled. "I'm gonna kill that mog turd right now! 'Fore that dagnabitted meteor kills me!"  
  
Tifa lunged at Cloud but was held back by Vincent.  
  
"We have to get out of here," He said. Oddly calm amidst the chaos.  
  
Gast grabbed his daughter and started to run. Suddenly the green jewel in her hairbow began to glow.  
  
"Holy materia......" Vincent said.  
  
"My momma gave it too me when I was a child. Said it can save the planet." Aeris said. "Ahh! I'm hearin' them voices again!!!!!"  
  
"She's done gone crazy! My baby's gone crazy! I blame that there spikey weirdo!" Gast yelled.  
  
Aeris held the holy materia in her hands and prayed. "Please don't let the world end! I want my weddin'! I want my weddin'!"  
  
While all this was going on Cid had ran into the bar. "Shera!" He called. "Where the %@&$*# are ya'!"  
  
"Cid? That you?" Shera answered. Help!"  
  
Cid ran towards Shera's voice. A large pile of rubble blocked the off half the bar.  
  
"Dammit! ^@#^*# dammit!" Cid yelled as he tried to move away the rubble.  
  
He made a hole in it finally and said to Shera, "I'm gonna pull ya through. Don't y'all git al %@*# hysterical on me!"  
  
Shera gave Cid her hand and he pulled her through just as the back of the bar collapsed. He picked her up. "Let's git the $@^*%@%* hell oughta here!" He yelled.  
  
As Cid was carrying Shera out of the collapsing bar he saw the light of Holy in the distance.  
  
"What the $%@%&!$^ hell is that?!" He said.  
  
"My Meteor!" Sephiroth yelled.  
  
"This means we ain't gonna die?" Yuffie asked.  
  
Sephiroth didn't answer. He just grumbled.  
  
Holy shot up and disintegrated most of Meteor. A small piece that remained fell on Cait Sith's head.  
  
"Ahh!" He yelled. "Batting it off with his paws. "It burns! It burns!!!!!"  
  
The Lifestream stopped flooding through the ground too. Although there was a ton of damage.  
  
Cid set Shera down and walked towards Sephiroth.  
  
"Dammit! You wrecked my beautifull town! What the $^&!@%@$^&$@$&^$@# were you thinking?! You nuts?!"  
  
Sephiroth just stood there silently.  
  
"Look", Yuffie said. Sephy pie is real sorry! Give him a break!"  
  
"Oh I'll break somethin' alright!" Cid yelled.  
  
Tifa ran over and started to yell. "You crazy bleach brained moron! I coulda been killed!"  
  
Sephiroth looked at her blankly and said, "So?"  
  
"What'ya mean so?!" Tifa yelled. "You must be plum near crazy!"  
  
Meanwhile, Aeris was gripping Cloud and yelling. "Daddy! Daddy! I'm gonna have my weddin'!"  
  
Cloud just groaned. He thought Aeris was a real nutcase. He thought to himself, "I don't look a thing like Zack."  
  
All seemed well in the town of Midgar Gulch. Or what was left of it.  
  
Vincent walked away quietly while no one was looking. There was plenty of time to get Sephiroth later. He didn't think he would be going anywhere soon. Maybe being stuck in the ruins of Midgar Gulch for awhile was punishment enough. 


	6. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
So the restoration of Midgar Gulch began. Cid was kind enough to let Yuffie and Tifa off the hook provided they behaved themselves.  
  
As for Sephiroth, Cid gave him 10,000 hours of community service. He said he might cut that in half if Sephy behaved himself. Sephiroth had gotten a bit attached to Tifa and was thinking of asking her out. Much to the chagrin of Yuffie, who kept following him around and calling him Sephy pie. A name he hated worse than bleach head.  
  
Tifa didn't seem too interested in Sephiroth. She still wanted back the gil she said Cloud cheated her out of but she was a bit more mellow.  
  
The reason why Cid was so easy on everyone was because of Shera. She softened him a bit.  
  
Cait was still dreaming of Leilani every time he napped. And he was still as klutzy as ever.  
  
As for Cloud, well he demanded a paternity test, which proved he wasn't the father of Zack jr. Aeris was heartbroken and cried for a week. Old man Gast claimed the test was rigged. Of course it wasn't.  
  
Cloud stayed in Midgar Gulch. Even though he was afraid of Tifa. He just hung around and helped with the restoration. After his wounded posterior healed of couse.  
  
And as for Vincent, he came and went. He kept an eye on Sephiroth and tried to stay low key. He didn't like too much attention drawn to himself.  
  
Midgar Gulch was starting to look good again. And it was peacefull. For now anyway....  
  
~Fin. 


End file.
